dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
