we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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