I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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