I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
