I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
