I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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