its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
