True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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