either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
