id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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