I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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