cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
