when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
