I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
