Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You took a bar mat shot.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
