Pants 0. Shit 1.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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