I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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