Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
