Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
