I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
