My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
