i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
