oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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