Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
