Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
