There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
