She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
