Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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