Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
