dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
