So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
