We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
