I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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