Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
