genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
