First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
