Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
