That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
