They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
