Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Barsexuality is the new black.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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