I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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