yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
