shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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