Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
