In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
