Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
