If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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