I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
