Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
