I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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