I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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