My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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